5 years ago, everything in my life changed. When I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING. The only thing that remained the same was that I had given birth to three amazing boys, but even they were angry with me and our relationships often felt as if they were in jeopardy.
The time had come when I knew I was dying emotionally each day and I couldn’t ignore that anymore. I knew I had to empower myself if I was to be any good to anyone else.
Just when I started to relax and thought I had found some stability, just when I thought I was happy, my world was once again thrown into turmoil. The world told me that this journey was just beginning as life as I had settled into was once again ripped from my grasp.
Keeping it together
This time though, there was no “keeping it together”. My world began to spiral and swirl, my fears began to take over, my anxiety began to heighten like never before. The questions came in abundance. Many times I felt as if I was back in high school, reeling from all of the insecurities and wondering if there was even a reason (other than my boys) to get up in the morning.
Needless to say, it was tough.
But…the journey was in fact the best thing that ever happened.
Don’t get me wrong. It has been the most challenging experience of my life to date. It has been extremely difficult to delve into the pain that I have held in the deepest depths of my soul. It took many adult tantrums and I tried to go back to the old ways of doing things, tried to fight against the path that this world was taking me on (it literally felt as if I had no choice), until I could surrender into all the goodness that was waiting.
(Disclaimer: I still fall back into fear of surrendering at times, but it has gotten much easier to let go and I use my emotions to guide me instead of trying to ignore them, I am human after all).
Today, I still sometimes catch myself struggling between the fight of trusting and surrendering. It has been a journey I would never have imagined for myself, but would have intrigued me nonetheless.
It has been painful and daring and courageous. I have come to know myself in ways that I hadn’t before. I have come to know this world we live in differently. The learning and growth have been immeasurable.
I now feel stable and connected within myself. I have come to a new understanding of what life is about and what self love really is. I know my life’s purpose and the impact I have on others. My relationship with my boys is better than I ever could have imagined :D.
Life is not “perfect”, but it is. I still struggle but appreciate and acknowledge the learning that comes from each of those struggling moments. I manage them with courage and grace and allow them to wash over me. I invite them in for a chat instead of running from the feelings that used to scare me and cause me to go numb.
I am who I am and I accept that. The perfection of every fault and glory.
There is no going back, only forward. Sometimes that in itself can be scary. There have been many times where I have mourned my old self in order to welcome in the new.
Nothing looks the same, and yet everything is familiar.