I thought I was falling apart because of you. Because I loved you so much that you walking away devastated me. But it wasn’t you at all. It was me. I had walked away from myself long before we ever met and now I have been given the divine opportunity to walk back to myself, to stop abandoning myself and to truly know what it means to love myself. To learn how to be my own soulmate.
I didn’t actually love you too much; the problem was that I didn’t know how to love myself enough. It was such a foreign concept. It was so subjective. Very few people in our world understand it and are able to model it in a healthy way even though we hear the words a lot. How do you teach yourself how to love yourself? Without fully loving yourself there is no way to have a whole-hearted relationship, a whole-hearted love.
Sitting With Myself
I remember the first time I actually sat down with myself and created the space to love myself, created the space to hear myself…. I mean really hear myself. To ask myself “how are you?” and really give myself the time to respond in a truthful manner, and not just the usual “I’m fine” that we are so accustomed to hearing. I actually listened for the answer. I waited and I listened until I heard the truth of my soul’s answer come out. The answer was not “I’m fine” the answer was far from fine.
And in that moment I realized, that I had never given my soul a chance to converse with me. I had never actually stopped to ask my soul how I could be there for myself. I had always hoped someone else would come and save me, be there for me, love me so that I wouldn’t have to figure out how to do it myself. And in this journey into my soul I realized that no one would ever be able to give me anything I couldn’t give to myself.
Listening to Myself
If I couldn’t listen to myself, how could I expect anyone else to listen to me? How could I listen to anyone else?
If I couldn’t be there for myself or love myself how could I expect anyone else to do it for me? And if I did, how could I believe it from anyone else?
It wouldn’t matter how many times someone told me what I wanted to hear, if I couldn’t say it to myself and believe it from myself, I wouldn’t be able to hear or believe it from anyone else. And then I would need to hear those words over and over and over again so that I wouldn’t forget. And then I would lean on someone else a bit too hard, or suffocate them with my neediness or frustrate them with my unwillingness to trust or believe.
And so, I learned to do it for myself.
To be there for myself. To not abandon myself. To absolutely, unconditionally love myself. I show up for myself every day. This is my love. This is my relationship with my soulmate. This is me.